Changing The Locks

I am posting this one to Arrin's child here - because, unfortunately this too is part of the story. My stepson, though alive, is no longer part of my life. His choice & I mourn that. A death often can cause the other family bonds to shatter. And it is another piece of Arrin I have lost. So ... to Joshua:

 

Changing the Locks

 

I know we had fought before

And I know you have long been grown

Yet, I was not prepared to say goodbye

And I never planned to lock you out of home 

How did this happen, why did you choose this path?

You jumped tracks on me, careened until our bond burned

And I’m wondering was my desire for family

Blinding me to how much violence “my child” had turned 

So now instead of sheltering you

Instead of giving you a mother’s love

I pray for the police to catch you soon

I fear what will come of your temper and blood 

I changed the house locks and use them

Start at backyard sounds, use motion lights

I never conceived how I fear the boy in you, the rage

you sparked a nightmare when you attacked that night 

You were my child, and now you’re not

And now the future, the locks are set

Your cold temper has chained our stories

Your grown resentment may end us yet 

There are times my disbelief

Almost talks me into letting you back in

Then I look at the damaged furniture and walls

Look at the scars and realize I could never win. 

I was not and still am not

Prepared to let you go

And yet, and yet how can I mourn the loss

When I must hide from you so?

 

Ariel

Nov 1, 2012