Waiting Room II

I am walking through the land of dim lights

through the sparten halls of muffled noises;

walking away from your room -

that room -

that we are both living in

the smell of body sweat and distillation

we are both living in this waiting room.

                                      

Me - wondering What? When? How

will I know?

I - not knowing if

you wonder

and if so - what?

It distills down to not knowing

as I hold your hand

waiting on the choice I think you would want

and knowing

you will have to live

or die

with it. Muffled fears kept dim

close in, holding my heart in

this waiting room, this holding pattern.

Who do I trust

when I don't trust myself.

You held that trust

held it in your capable hands

those hands that held my baby’s

held your grandbabies.

You trusted me with this decision.

I'm feeling time leach away

draining, as I impotently move your muscles

as I impotently watch

your eyes, searching in the dim lights -

hot and feverish cool & quiet like now.

as I impotently wish my face will hold your eyes.

As I impotently wait for a sign

I can hold as progress

It is the added significance of December

that has me doubting

that sends me walking away

the waiting that slips time away from us

holding your hands

when I want to hold time still

repair it

repair you,

as I impotently watch you not holding,

you not waiting,

you slipping away.

Ariel

December 11, 2010